the cat who writes

Write, take naps, and take another nap

How to be a cat

I am Pooh Hodges. I am The Cat Who Writes.

I am Pooh Hodges. I am The Cat Who Writes.

I know you secretly wish you were a cat. You hate shaving your face or your legs. You hate waking up  early. Your life  feels rushed. You have just enough time to shove a doughnut in your face and then drive to work. You spend your life paying bills, cutting the lawn, washing dishes, doing the laundry, changing diapers, pretending to like your neighbours, and entertaining people you don’t really like.

You spend your life working for someone else.
In the summer you take a few days off to sleep in, or go camping with your children and mosquitoes.

You really want to be a cat.

I will teach you how to be a cat.  I am a cat. I am Pooh Hodges, The Cat Who Writes.

How to be a cat.

1. First you have to find a family to live with.  Be careful what family you choose to  be a cat with. Are they kind? Will they give you fresh water every day, or will they only fill your water dish when it’s empty.

2. Then you have to learn how to use a litter box. Hopefully the family has one with a cover, or you will have to do your business in public. Remember to cover your mess after you go. Ask the family to buy clumping litter and to clean out the clumps once a day. I personally like my litter box cleaned every time I use it.

3. Stop shaving. You no longer have to take baths or showers, you have to lick yourself clean. No toilet paper either. If you make a mess you can just wipe your bottom on the carpet. The kittens I live with do it all the time.

4. Develop  a taste for grass. Perhaps you will be fine and not cough up hairballs or vomit grass on the carpet. The good thing is you don’t have to clean it up.

5.Try and find a family with a dog. If you vomit on the carpet you can just blame your messes on the dog. It works for me.

6. Your food will be bagged dry food twice a day. Perhaps you will get fed wet food from a can on occasion. Learn to eat everything at one sitting.  If there is a dog in the house he will eat what you leave behind. You can not save any food for later. Ask the people to check the expiration dates on the bagged food. Hopefully they will buy you bagged food that is organic, and not the food from the grocery story that is dyed and made up of fillers.

7. Get used to the idea of never driving a car again.  You no longer have to drive to work, you can sleep all day, and run around the house at night. Get the people to buy toys with catnip in them. Catnip really makes a long day shorter. And people like watching cats get high on herbs.

8.  No more drinking beer or wine with a meal. Cat’s don’t drink. Practice drinking water from a dish on the floor, before you make the final decision to be a cat.

9. Your main task in life is to comfort the family you live with.  You will be required to take naps on family members laps, and meow and purr when you are petted.

10. However, you no longer have the use of your thumbs. You can’t open the door to go outside. You can’t open a can of tuna or make a sandwich if you get hungry.

11. If you are lucky, the family you live with will let you outside once in a while. When you are outside  you can catch a mouse and eat it for protein.

12. Enjoy sitting in cardboard boxes. The family will leave empty cardboard boxes on the floor.  Sit in the cardboard box. The family will think they have trapped you. Stay in the box long enough for the family to take pictures of you to post on facebook. Do not get out of the box until they are finished taking pictures. Humor the people who you live with.

13. You are a cat. You are your own boss. You can sleep in as late as you want. You don’t have to come when you are called. You don’t have to mow the lawn anymore, do laundry, wash dishes or entertain people you don’t like. Go find a sunbeam and take a nap.

I do have to warn you. Do not claw on the furniture. Some families are cruel, and may amputate your claws.

I like being a cat.

Do you?

 

 

About Pooh Hodges

I have had a hard life. Born to a single mother in a back alley in Wisconsin. I never knew my father. My sister died young. I am writing my story. Look for it.

Feature Box

Would you like two free posters? Two 8.5 x 11 Posters, “Cats are better than dogs. AND “Dogs are better than cats.” (Plus everything I write when I am not napping.)

This is an animal blog. Written by animals. Humans are only necessary to type for us. We don’t have thumbs.

  • Emily

    Dearest Pooh,

    It is Loki, the Manx. It is quite obvious because of my name i am a more mistevious cat. Which includes being out side most of the day were no one know what I do, hunting mouses from the farm across the street, being on the prowl and kneading at my owner, Emily with my claw. Besides that fact, It has come to my attention that 2/3 dogs in my house have the intention on stealing my human. The one dog that doesn’t has taken a special interest in me I do not understand. I come to you, a fellow cat, in need of explanation to this preposterous attention problem and interest confusion,

    thank you.

    yours truly,

    Loki

    • Dearest Loki,
      Not all dogs want to chase cats, some dogs are calm and see a cat as a potential friend, not as something to chase.
      I wish you and your new friend all the best. My bodyguard, Martha, a lab, is my best friend.
      All my best,
      xo
      Love Pooh

  • Dear Pooh, pleased to meet you.
    My name is Marshmellow, I don’t know why I was called this silly name, because in my heart I’m a real pirate. To proof it I have only one eye, the other was gouged our by a savage with a rusty sword in a bar fight.
    I love water and sit in the rain or under a sprayer when ever I can. I live on land with my adopted family as my real mother died very young and her mother bought a boat and sailed away. I see them once a year, that’s ok because my new family is the best. I also had dog friends, but thank God there is only two left. I don’t like them much, they don’t play with me like the two big dogs did. Abby, the white Shepard was like a mother to me.
    I must go now…it’s raining.
    Caio,
    Mx

    • My dearest Marshmellow,
      I am so pleased to meet you. One eye, you are a brave pirate, fighting a savage with a rusty sword.
      What was your real mother’s name? She must have loved you very much. I am very sorry she died. Did she like to tickle you behind the ears?
      Some dogs make best friends and some don’t. Sort of like people. My bodyguard Martha, is nice to me.
      The next time your grandmother stops in on her boat, will you ask her to send me a photograph?
      I have to go now too, it if time to get my staff to walk Martha. I have my staff well trained.
      All the best to you Marshmellow, ( At least she didn’t name you Pooh, it sounds like “Poo.” All the girl cats I meet laugh at me when I say my name.)
      Love Pooh

      • Pooh,

        My human mother’s name was Helen. I did not know my
        cat mother. I was found ill as as kitten and adopted. Helen nursed me back to health in her bedroom. I am a ginger cat, not very good looking…scrawny, a broken tail and independent. I only ever loved Helen. My adoptive mother lives in the Glen Fruin Estate, Hermanus, South Africa in a valley with a river and a garden with no fences, I roam the whole estate. Play with butterflies, sleep, chat to horses and live a good live filled with adventure. I tell you about them …. My mom Helen died in a car accident. She was 15 years old. Today is the 21st and I’m always sad on this day. It’s been 7 and a half years…

        This is a picture of me..

        • Oh Marshmellow,
          Your sweet Helen took care of you and loved you back to health.
          I am so sorry for your loss. Helen’s mommy must be very sad too. She found you a home where you can be free to run around. She loves you too.

          Do you like to catch mice? I love to eat mice. Dry cat food is so boring.
          I look forward to seeing a photograph of you.
          All the best,
          Love Pooh

          • You must be joking, Pooh. Me eat mice? Not in this life. I’m not that kind of feline, you know.
            I play with them, though. My mouse friend lives between the logs stacked in the kitchen. The lady of the house is a bit weird. She never kills anything. Not spiders, gecko’s or mice. Oh, I love to play with gecko’s, when they die, I eat them. Do you?

  • Congrats on your wonderful post. I have a cat and it definitely spoke to me.

    Eliz

    • My dearest Eliz,
      I am so sorry I missed your kind comment.
      My typist has been slacking off on her job. I will have to put a report in her evaluation form.

      She may not get her Christmas Bonus.
      Love

      Pooh

  • Congrats on the Win, Pooh. You could inspire a Pixar Production. Have a nice nap. 🙂

    • Dearest Guest,
      Thank you for you kind comment. I am delighted by the win as well.
      I love my naps.
      All the best,
      Love Pooh

  • LOVE IT 🙂

  • If I don’t have to shave anymore – sign me up. Thanks for a great post with its important analogies.

    • Alex,
      Of course you can be a cat. However, you will have to find your own family. I am sorry I can not provide a family for you. If you need any tips on catching mice please let me know. Dried cat food can get boring.
      xo
      Pooh

  • Dear Pooh…In consultation with Blue, the Burmese, I have been asked to advise you that there are ways of dealing with poor quality food lacking protein. Simply scrape sub-standard scoff out of your bowl with a paw, rather as if you were covering up with your litter, and eventually your humans will get the hint. Tuna and chicken should follow. Similarly, sit and yowl constantly at any roasting meat in the human oven, and your wishes will be heard. A former cat servant, Bernie

    • Dearest Bernie,
      Please give my love and best wishes to Blue. What a marvelous idea. I will try it today. I know she baked a chicken yesterday. I want some.
      xo
      Pooh

      • Dear Pooh I hope you were successful in your chicken seeking mission. Rest assured that if this fails, a little light-pawed action in your neighbourhood can usually secure a chicken – although in my case I could only manage to carry it home if assisted by my sister Blonde. We are also guilty of the theft of a 12 inch pizza. Yours larcenously, Blue (as dictated to Bernie)

  • Thank you so much, Pooh, I’ve always wondered.

    • Dear Dorothy,
      You are very welcome.
      xo
      Pooh

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  • Guest

    Dear Pooh, my name is Pooh too. My mom just got a new kitten. I hate it. Should I let it live? Also, how do you get sticker burrs out of a tail. I’ve tried everything. Your friend Pooh, in Florida.

    • Dear Pooh,
      I am so happy to meet you. I have never met anyone with my name. Oh Pooh, don’t kill the kitty. The kitty will help wash your ears. Tell your staff member to buy several more litter boxes. I would be angry too if I had to share my only litter box. We have seven litter boxes in my house. One in each bedroom, two on the main floor, one in the basement, and one in the upstairs closet.

      Use Crisco oil to get the burr out of your tail.
      All the best,
      xo
      Pooh

  • Dear Pooh, I really enjoyed reading this. Very funny and thanks so much for this post.

    • Dear Lalanthi,
      Thank you for reading my story. I am delighted you enjoyed reading it.
      All the best.
      xo
      Pooh

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  • Johanna

    Very funny, and I love Pooh already and can’t wait to read more. Pooh, you would definitely love Western Australia – we have an awesome coastline which means great fish. You do like fish other than tuna I presume? (ps I found you on Problogger)

    • Johanna,
      Thank you so much for reading my story. I would love to come and visit you. I would eat any kind of fish. The only problem is I hate flying in the Storage Compartment on airplanes.

      Sending you much love.
      xo
      Pooh

  • Cathy

    How have we been in this event for 22 days and this is the first I’ve realized we have a cat participating? I mean, after all, a cat that types is quite amazing. Thanks for sharing your life with us. I suppose being a cat would have its advantages. I’d like sleeping all day and spending time in the sun. Having someone bring me my food would also be quite enjoyable. I think I’d miss a few things about my human world though.

    • Dear Cathy,
      I had meant to post every day in the March writing challenge but my typist was too busy with her play. She didn’t have time to type for me. I had considering firing her, but we have been together for so long. I would miss her, and where would I find someone to clean my litter box every time I use it.

      all the best,
      Love Pooh

  • Deborah Bussewitz

    Oh, to have the life of a cat. My daughter just sent me a picture of her cat cuddling on her neck. Life as a cat is a lovely thing. Great, creative idea for a blog.

    • Deborah,
      I really like being a cat. Sometimes I wish I had thumbs, but I enjoy not having to clean up after myself and sleep all day.
      Thank you so much for your comment about my blog. I do try and be creative.

      A cat on a neck, what a great idea.
      You can still nap in sunbeams Deborah if you want to pretend to be a cat.
      All the best,
      love Pooh

  • Pooh, thank you for sharing your infinite wisdom with us mere mortals. I would delight in the simpler lifestyle that you proclaim, however I fear I would nibble on our pet hamster in search of a more refined protein source. The absence of the hamster would create great strife, thus I shall sadly remain as I am.

    • Jennifer, I understand your problem. You would enjoy being a cat, but you may be tempted to eat a dear friend.
      I think you had better remain a person for now. You can still nap in sunbeams and not shave your legs, if that would make you feel better.
      All the best,
      Love Pooh

  • Crystal Robertson

    I love the ideas of wrting from Pooh Hodges perspective. Hmm…I’m thinking of a future piece myself. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Dear Crystal,
      How kind of you to comment. I have thought about writing from a person’s perspective, but I am a cat, and I understand my thought process best.

      I like to share.
      Please let me read your story if you pretend to be a cat. I would love to read it.
      All the best,
      Love Pooh

  • Dear Pooh,
    I enjoyed the story of how to become a cat. I have never wanted to be a cat but i have always wanted to know how it is accomplished. I am very pleased with life as a German Sheppard. Your Doggie freind: Edelweiss.

    • My dearest Edelweiss. I am always glad to hear from you.

      xo
      Pooh

  • I would love to be a cat, but it is too late for me.

    • Yes, Kathleen it is too late.

      I don’t think they make litter boxes big enough for people.
      But you could always take a nap.
      xo
      Pooh

  • Dear Pooh,
    I will stay a human. But, looking for a sunbeam does sound tempting.

    • Oh Anne, I think you made a wise choice to stay a human. I get so tired waiting for my staff to type for me. And sometimes in the middle of the night I wish I could use a can opener and eat a can of tuna.
      I wish I had thumbs.

      But, I am grateful I don’t have to drink coffee or drive a car.
      Did you find your sunbeam?
      xo
      Pooh

      • I found the sunbeam, but I only feel it’s warmth partially.

        Anne