How to be a cat
I know you secretly wish you were a cat. You hate shaving your face or your legs. You hate waking up early. Your life feels rushed. You have just enough time to shove a doughnut in your face and then drive to work. You spend your life paying bills, cutting the lawn, washing dishes, doing the laundry, changing diapers, pretending to like your neighbours, and entertaining people you don’t really like.
You spend your life working for someone else.
In the summer you take a few days off to sleep in, or go camping with your children and mosquitoes.
You really want to be a cat.
I will teach you how to be a cat. I am a cat. I am Pooh Hodges, The Cat Who Writes.
How to be a cat.
1. First you have to find a family to live with. Be careful what family you choose to be a cat with. Are they kind? Will they give you fresh water every day, or will they only fill your water dish when it’s empty.
2. Then you have to learn how to use a litter box. Hopefully the family has one with a cover, or you will have to do your business in public. Remember to cover your mess after you go. Ask the family to buy clumping litter and to clean out the clumps once a day. I personally like my litter box cleaned every time I use it.
3. Stop shaving. You no longer have to take baths or showers, you have to lick yourself clean. No toilet paper either. If you make a mess you can just wipe your bottom on the carpet. The kittens I live with do it all the time.
4. Develop a taste for grass. Perhaps you will be fine and not cough up hairballs or vomit grass on the carpet. The good thing is you don’t have to clean it up.
5.Try and find a family with a dog. If you vomit on the carpet you can just blame your messes on the dog. It works for me.
6. Your food will be bagged dry food twice a day. Perhaps you will get fed wet food from a can on occasion. Learn to eat everything at one sitting. If there is a dog in the house he will eat what you leave behind. You can not save any food for later. Ask the people to check the expiration dates on the bagged food. Hopefully they will buy you bagged food that is organic, and not the food from the grocery story that is dyed and made up of fillers.
7. Get used to the idea of never driving a car again. You no longer have to drive to work, you can sleep all day, and run around the house at night. Get the people to buy toys with catnip in them. Catnip really makes a long day shorter. And people like watching cats get high on herbs.
8. No more drinking beer or wine with a meal. Cat’s don’t drink. Practice drinking water from a dish on the floor, before you make the final decision to be a cat.
9. Your main task in life is to comfort the family you live with. You will be required to take naps on family members laps, and meow and purr when you are petted.
10. However, you no longer have the use of your thumbs. You can’t open the door to go outside. You can’t open a can of tuna or make a sandwich if you get hungry.
11. If you are lucky, the family you live with will let you outside once in a while. When you are outside you can catch a mouse and eat it for protein.
12. Enjoy sitting in cardboard boxes. The family will leave empty cardboard boxes on the floor. Sit in the cardboard box. The family will think they have trapped you. Stay in the box long enough for the family to take pictures of you to post on facebook. Do not get out of the box until they are finished taking pictures. Humor the people who you live with.
13. You are a cat. You are your own boss. You can sleep in as late as you want. You don’t have to come when you are called. You don’t have to mow the lawn anymore, do laundry, wash dishes or entertain people you don’t like. Go find a sunbeam and take a nap.
I do have to warn you. Do not claw on the furniture. Some families are cruel, and may amputate your claws.
I like being a cat.
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About Pooh Hodges
I have had a hard life. Born to a single mother in a back alley in Wisconsin. I never knew my father. My sister died young. I am writing my story. Look for it.